Desperation

Desperation. Sometimes it’s too much to handle and so one can be very clever in applying it. Being desperate requires so much that it brings out the brilliance in an individual. You breathe it. You dream about it. You make it so tangible. 

However, desperation has its downsides. Instead of brilliance, it brings out stupidity evident in poorly executed plans. I was once desperate. I wanted to get back with a person who I later realized to be “the person” who valued me. But then of course, things change. I wasn’t much valuable for him as before when I finally had that realization. Too late. But I made sure that it wasn’t late to undo things and to realize that what we shared has ended and that we cannot have it back. It was either I’ll stay where I was, sad and regretful, or understand that going about our separate lives was the best for us.

Why am I on another cliche?  It’s because I believe that we all can get over failures and regrets. We may have different ways to cope with them, yet still we overcome. 

Recently, I came across an act of desperation. This person may hate me for using this term. Well it’s as if she doesn’t hate me from years ago until today. I understand why she does and I don’t blame her. But when girls start being girls and start being manipulative of how events took place as if authoring the story and changing its plot, I couldn’t help to waste my time on giving a good dose of wicked laughter about it. And then, I go back to not caring. 

So this so called act of desperation was a good one. I wouldn’t call it brilliant otherwise that is beyond the superlative of good. It was such a common move just as common as the words “good” and “nice” which are fondly used by common people.  I’d like to specify the act so that you’ll understand, but I’ve already given her too much credit. 

Rather, I’d like to make a point by being general. 

1.) ACCEPT IT. Accept that oftentimes we cannot undo what we did. 

2.) ACCEPT IT. Accept that it’s never fair to get back to the person who wronged you, or even get back in the same manner that we were wronged. That’s just so twisted and sick. 

3.) ACCEPT IT. Accept that playing over the plot so as to change the story and characters, do not make our name fragrant as we want it. When we do a mistake, we do a mistake. It isn’t so wrong to make a mistake. So do not go ahead trying to right your mistakes by interchanging protagonists and antagonists. A great story doesn’t categorize characters. No one is solely a protagonist for a protagonist is fictional.

4.) ACCEPT IT. Accept  that who we were to others isn’t always going to save us. We may have been highly valuable to them at one point, but it doesn’t mean we can demand the same treatment that used to come with our worth. 

5.) ACCEPT IT. Accept that the love we lost is truly lost. 

So miss, if you would please put your wits together, we could all live in peace. Who you think you “are” is who you “were”. Do not think that what you used to be can be who you are. 

Desperation. You either have to drop it or pursue it. Choose the latter and it’ll bring you chaos. 

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unimportant

Past is past, whatever the hell that means.

It is never easy to just cast away the dreadfulness of this past. One can fool himself that he’s finally over and done with it. He puts up a wall around him and spend his days creating  a heart of stone inside hit chest. He walks around town, gives smiles to everybody and takes the same from them. Life’s shitty good.

One day, he notices a crack in his wall. Foolishly thinking that a small break wont do much harm. The next day, the wall’s gone. He becomes so exposed and vulnerable.

—————————————————————————————-

 

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http://opinion.inquirer.net/54037/shattered

How can one live if he/she is being swallowed by misery? I had enough. I exhausted myself and I came to the realization that there is absolutely no equality in all this. I cannot be two different persons and give each person equal show time. There is only one main character.

 

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Si Shiell

Ang blog entry na ito ay isinulat sa Filipino because we do so much talking together using Friends_by_DeadlyCasethis medium. Roushiell France S. London, para sa’yo to.

In one fateful afternoon (‘wag munang mag-ambisyon kasi kahit “seemingly endless” din yun, nakakainis yun kasi puro lang tayo hintay), I sat beside this girl. ‘Di na siya actually girl. Dalagang dalaga kasi may dangling earrings tapos nakadress ata siya that day. Ang puti ng skin, gluta lang. Ang straight ng hair. Nakalip gloss pa. Mas glossy pa sa glossy ang lips. “This lady must be a hardcore city girl,” sabi ko sa matalino kong sarili.

Usap-usap din kami. Namention ng dalawa pang magagandang fellow newly hired teachers ang mga teaching experiences nila. Anong nature ng private school at iba pang mga kaechosan. So balik tayo kay Roushiell France S. London. Tawagin nalang natin siyang Shiell /ShEl/. Ayusin ang pagpronounce baka matarayan ka’t mamatay on the spot.

So yun nalaman kong English major din ‘tong baklang ‘to. “Oh, competition this girl. Let’s see what you have,” sabi ko nanaman sa matalino kong sarili. We had to work together kasi pareho ng majors. Pero siya sa elem siya. Ang magaganda pang elementary para ‘di ma-spook ang pupils. Ang mga katulad kong Ms. Minchin eh dapat nasa high school para trick or treat ang labanan.

‘Di nagtagal ‘di naman pala siya competition. Sinong linoko ko. ‘Di na ‘to college. Wala nang honor roll dito. Haha. Ang galing naman pala nitong baklang ‘to. Tas ang bait. She helped me with stuff and I helped her with stuff too. If you’re asking kung anong mga stuff yan, well basta lang pero don’t worry wholesome naman. Naging tight na tight kami as tight sa mga binibili naming shirt na feeling namin saktong sakto sa ooh-la-la naming bodies. Ang diligent nitong baklang ‘to. As een. Kung may “Most Dedicated” award, yung ise-set aside lang yung attendance and punctuality kasi naman ‘di naman yan ang basehan sa performance ng teacher, si Shiell eh dapat nominee. Eh ano naman kung laging present at ‘di nalelate pero ‘pag nasa school eh patweetums lang. Waley yan. ‘Di yan pwede kay Enrile.

Si Shiell, mygali, lahat na papers kahit ‘di siguro dapat i-check ay chini-check. Lahat ng Demotivational_Poster__Teacher_by_theflyingdutchman84forms para sa advisers, once na ibigay sa kanya eh agad-agad niyang tinatapos. No sweat. May mga panahon nga lang na ‘di niya matrabaho kasi may dalawang favorite visitors siya. Yung laging nanggugulo. Well, ako yung isa. Yung isa ehem. Ibang klase yung panggugulo niya. 😛

Si Shiell ay NBS ko yan. National Bookstore. ‘Pag wala akong G-tech, highlighter, permanent marker, whiteboard marker, puncher, stapler at staple wire, at scratch paper, kay Shiell ako nagpupunta. Ay sari-sari store din yan. Snacks, tissue, kape, at napkin eh meron niyan. ‘Di ko pa nacheck kung may first aid kit yan sa bag kasi kung anong organized ng table drawers at shelves niya eh ganun ka-opposite ang gulo ng bag niya. Haha. Minsan I borrowed charger para sa BlackBerry kong walang instagram (kasi yung Samsung niyang touchscreen meron tapos lagi niyang ine-emphasize yan saken), nandun sa pinakabottom yung charger. Kalkal. Yan ang term sa ginawa ko sa loob ng bag niya. Nahilo ako nun.

Pero kahit gano kaperpekto si Shiell sa paningin ko ‘di ko rin madedeny na may mga bloopers din siya. Eto siguro yung mga bagay na nagpakalma saken. Hindi talaga ‘to college. Walang competition. Katuwaan din ‘to kahit seryosong trabaho.

Una, dapat may panyo siya sa pocket niya. Left and right pockets. Yung nasa blouse na

tenen!

tenen!

pockets pati yung nasa pants. Lahat din ng bulsa sa bag niya dapat meron. Tapos sa drawer din. Kasi haynaku ang panyo niya kahit saan iniiwan. Hahaha. Ganyan siya ka-generous. Free handkerchief for everyone! Ingat ka lang kung yung may boogey monster yung nakuha mo. Bonus yun!

Pangalawa, kakanta nalang yan si Shiell nang walang warning. Minsan may action pa minsan din wala pero todo maka-emote ang kilay. Minsan sumasabay nalang ako kasi naisip ko kung walang competition sa teaching, sa kantahan meron. Bring it on. Pero magaling ‘tong bumirit si Shiell. Nganga nalang din ako paminsan. Yung isang bisita niya, yung sinasabi kong ibang klase ang panggugulo, yun siya nganga tapos tulo laway pa. Hahahaha. Patay na. Nainlab na. Byutipul talaga si Shiell kaya paborito ko siya sa lahat ng mga chubby kong workmates.

Pangatlo, ang taray ni Shiell. Ang bilis niyang magbisaya. Ang bilis ding magtagalog. Nonstop. Unstoppable. Na unsa naman ka oi! Katung kuan ba! OI! BA! Bonggang inflection sa ending. Rising na rising. Kala mo galit yun pala natural lang yun. Kalma lang BA.

Wala na akong pang-apat kasi lahat naman tayo may shunga moments. May slow moments tas minsan din kahit i-refresh di na mgload. Unable to connect na. Pinatay na yung PLDTMyDSL connection. Hahahahahaha. If you know what I mean. Maraming ganyan si Shiell. Kaya naman walang moment na ‘di kami tumatawa. Kahit ngdeliberation na sa grades, tawa pa rin. Kahit anong calamity pa yan siguro, tawa pa rin.

Mahal na mahal ko si Shiell. She always has my back. Front. Top. ‘Wag lang bottom. Haha. Mahal niya ako kasi may kasalanan siya saken. Prends falling inlab behind my back. Hahahaha. Sorry sa nagbabasa nito na minsan ‘di magets yung pinagsasabi ko. Okay lang yan. Tumawa ka nalang para ‘di obvious.

She never fails to check on me, if I’m dying or breathing pa. Yan ang boyfriend/girlfriend ko dito sa Cebu. Kung naging lalaki siguro ako, siya yung liligawan ko. Pero nevermind. Malaswa.

Ipagtatanggol niya ako sa lahat. She will always make me feel special. She will keep me friends_by_shadow_breath-d33r1ejcompany. Sa work man o sa grad school. Bahala nang maghirap kami pero she’ll take me with her kahit ayoko na. No man gets left behind ang drama namin.

Shiell, alam kong umiiyak ka na ngayon. Okay lang yan friend. People come and go in and out of our lives. Go ako tapos come is Chuvabels. Sana napapatawa ka niya like I do. Yoko nang makisama sa’yo. Mapagkakamalan nanamang tibo ako. (Mygad, ang hirap di magspill dito. Ang hirap maging maingat. Mom and dad, help. Haha.)

Basta Shiell alams na. May number ka naman saken. Nasa circle naman natin ang isa’t isa sa google. Close friends naman sa Facebook. Later mgfollow ako sa’yo para cyber stalker na din.

Kung gusto mo lang tumawa, andito lang ako. 🙂

your_friend_since_childhood____by_hugmeetskiss-d351v8u

 

 

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Bente-tres and Seksi

Uy maygali 23 na pala ako. 23 na at ‘di pa rin alam kung anong gusto sa buhay. 23 na at di pa rin alam kung san pupunta. Kaloka naman. Dapat we become wiser as we age diba? Eh I aged a year na pero feeling ko 16 pa rin ako, sumisweet 16 din.

‘Wag kang ma-shock kung ‘di ‘to nasa English. Lumaklak kasi ako ng tatlong cups of black coffee kasi masyado nang “mainstream” ang tubig. Dapat flavored drink na para kunyare classy. Pero joke lang. Masarap kasing magkape kapag nagka-cramming. Lahat lumelevel up. Ambilis kong magbasa at take note, may comprehension pa. Whereas kung normal lang, kahit phoneme hindi ko macomprehend. Yung normal na 55 words per minute kong pagta-type sa computer eh umaabot ng 50wpm. Oha. Yung pawis ko rin, bongga. Parang bawat pore ng skin ko eh full blast kung mgsecrete. Waw secrete.

Anyway, napapaisip talaga ako nang bongga kung ano bang dapat kong abangan this year. May bago kayang Sarah-John Lloyd movie? (Yes, this question falls under the

Vavavoom!

Vavavoom!

“bonggang pinag-isipan” category.) Siyempre naman kasi sa latest movie nila may luha na si Sarah. Yung forreal and fo’sho kaya naman proud ako sa kanya. Nagpapasalamat din ako kina Rayver at Gerald kasi sinaktan nila puso ni Sarah, eh di may pinaghuhugutan na yan si Sarah. Idol ko yan siya. Kasi naman kahit nasaktan siya eh, “Pinili niyang magpatawad. Pinili niyang magmahal.” Hash-freakin’-tag that, Chrisine Reyes! On the other hand, si John Lloyd, aysus walang kakupas kupas yan. Umaariba pa rin ang whoremones ko (teka English word yun bat may red curvy lines ang whoremones?) Sorry baduy.

Magiging master na ba talaga ako pagkatapos ng postgraduate course ko? Sana may samurai (yung “ka-shing ka-shing” kasi diba samurai in the olden times eh military yan. basta.). Sana may samurai na freebie na kasama sa diploma. Siyempre kung master dapat indestructible. Wala man akong iron throne kaya basta may sword okay na. Mukhang may dignidad na rin yun.

Magiging nanay na kaya ako this year? Jusko. Kenat be. ‘Di pa fully paid yung braces ko, tapos 12 months pa para malutas ako sa postpaid ko, tapos yung monthly bill sa internet naming sinbilis ng lakad ko eh babayaran pa yan, atbp. Tapos siyempre yung boyfriend ko eh nasa ibang isla. ‘Di naman pwede ang virtual means. You don’t do that to me. Echos lang baka mabasa ng kuya ko ‘to. Baka sapakin si bunso. Mahirap na. Marami pa akong pangarap sa buhay. Echos again.

Magiging chubby pa rin ba ako? Hahaha. Rhetorical question daw ‘to sabi ng ego ko.

Magiging bitter pa rin ba ako? Kasi naman ‘tong si Nanay ipinamana pa saken yung pagiging echoserang teacher. Eh haynaku, gusto ko kasing mag-artista dati. Pero sabi niya maging praktikal daw ako. ‘Di ko gets yan. Lahat ng kilala kong artista mga practical, walang ilusyunado’t ilusyunada. Srsly.

I really don’t know what to expect this year. Narealize ko wala akong ibang goals kundi mabayaran bills ko. Ano ba ‘to? Lagi nalang bang nasa crossroad ako? Yang drama na yan pang high school lang yan. Maygad. ‘Di sana nakipagclassmate nalang ako sa mga students ko. I tell them to take life seriously. I tell them that every time we discuss literary texts na nabasa namin. Pero maygudnes naman, sa kaka-take ko sa life seriously ‘di ko pa rin maapply ang “The Road Not Taken” ni Robert Frost. Nagwa-wander lonely as a cloud pa rin ako. Proud siguro saken si Wordsworth. Naks. Matakot ka, literature yan. Alam kong tres ang grado mo niyan dahil hanggang ngayon ‘di mo madistinguish ang paradox sa irony.

Walking dead, yan paradox yan. Yung nanood ka ng movies or tv series na about za Funny-Zombie-Run-For-Your-Life-11zombies for dizazter preparednezz tapoz nakagat ka nang hindi man lang nabibigyan ng chance na makapatay ng isang walker. Yan irony yan. Oha. Matakot ka, echos lang yan.

So ano na nga? Wala. Yaan na. Sabi nga sa Ecclesiastes sa Holy Bible eh there’s a season for everything. Naman.  Tiwala lang. 

Meanwhile, magbabasa muna ako ng notes ko kasi report ko bukas. Baka taasan lang ako ng kilay ni ma’am. Mahirap na.

Sana naman happy ‘tong araw na ‘to. Sana may mag-appear na macbook in thin air para swak ang pagFacebook ko habang nagta-thank you sa mga nag greet sa akin kasi alam talaga nilang birthday ko, at half-hearted thank you sa mga nakihitch lang sa nakita sa news feed. Okay lang yan. ‘Di ko dadamdamin. Immature lang ang nagdaramdam, yung mga 22 and below.

Image

May the force be with you!

Paalam sa lahat.

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I’m Sorry For My Generation

“I’d like apologise on behalf of those teenagers who don’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ and who have never heard of J.R.R Tolkien or Lewis Carroll.”

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23-ish

It’s two days before I turn twenty-three. On that day, I’ll go about my normal Saturdays.

You're not odd. You're just 22.

You’re not odd. You’re just 22.

I’ll go to school, do my oral presentation, fake a smile, assume that I’m overly smart for my classes and then go home motivated to work on the assigned tasks. This motivation will just be drained comes Monday to Friday so yeah what the hell.

I don’t know how significant it is to turn 23. Every year I take a vow to be better in all my endeavors. Wow. Last year I said I will conquer the world. So as I sit in my cubbyhole here in this beautiful city, I begin to assess my 22nd year on Earth.

Year 22 findings:

1. I abused my privileges as the youngest child. Well yeah, I got myself a job but I ended up asking my mother for dough. Turns out this child still runs to mommy when she gets some booboo. Crap. But I claim to be protected by BIRTHRIGHT. Haha.Tired_by_billysphoto

2. I grew physically weak. Chronic sinusitis leading to asthma. Acute bronchitis. Rhinitis. Reading focus like a 30 year old adult, hence the eyeglasses. Floppy arms, more visible stretch marks, fizzed hair, divulging stomach, chipped front tooth.

3. I got myself a boyfriend. His scent is all over this blog so sniff it off bitches if you don’t believe me.

4. I rocked at teaching but I sucked at loving it. Please insert “I think” at the beginning of the previous sentence and “definitely” right after the coordinating/subordinating conjunction still in the previous sentence. Oh I hope you know what a conjunction is. Otherwise, get outta here.

5. I maintained being stubborn as a rock. You can’t move me man. If I don’t will it no one can push it. 7107896_700b

6. I despised humorless earthlings. The world is already cruel so why do I have to sit among cruelly serious people. I like people who laugh with me because they are funny and they appreciate my efforts of being funny. C’mon, nobody wants to be around party poopers.

7. I owned four lady blouses. My closet spits out skirts, dresses, and the like.

8. I finally was able to own a hairbrush. I was gonna say I bought it but it’s a sin to lie. I saw it at Rustan’s Supermarket near the shampoo area and filched it.

9. I lied for fun. I didn’t steal the goddamn brush. I put it on the grocery basket without my sister’s permission. She paid for it still.

10.  I managed to still be a hardass spoiled brat.

11. I went crazy over accepting miss outs. Cannot undo the 5 years and replace her time_to_say_goodbye_by_mivthevampire-d4ctppsin the picture.

12. I hated rhetorical questions. I cannot detect them. I assume that every question is open-ended.  

13. Facebook became my social life. It’s the most convenient means of attending a reunion and getting updated. Everybody’s telling everybody what they had for lunch. Yay!

14.  I still haven’t figured out my topic for my research proposal. I can blame my college education for the failure in creating a research-oriented graduate. All I learned from my professor were theories she listed in handouts which I could’ve crafted better. I lack the skills and so it’s hellish to be clueless now.

15. I procrastinated and got nothing done then I ranted unceasingly.

16. I devalued my money by not nobly spending my noble salary from my noble job.

adventurous 23rd

adventurous 23rd

So now I wonder, what’s innit for me when I turn 23?

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